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What’s next?

October 27, 2008

Okay, so despite feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and lazy all at the same time I am writing this post because I need to vent.  I am feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of bringing another life into this world right now.  There is more than one reason for why I am feeling this way, to list the two main ones that surface in my mind as I write this:

1. Delivering a baby is not exactly physically easy, although I am sure every mom already knows that.  In addition to the anxiety of waiting for labor to start, I am having the horrible fear that I will once again fail at breastfeeding.  And before any of you make the assumption that I didn’t try hard enough if you could take a look at my rack I am lacking.  I actually have friends who have known me since high school who said, “I am not surprised you couldn’t breastfeed you don’t really have boobs”.  Ironically during my birthing class when I was pregnant with Z the instructor state, “Just because you don’t have big breasts does not mean you won’t be able to breastfeed,” the whole time during this statement she was looking straight at me.  I think that woman doomed me, because despite attempting to feed 8+ times a day, pumping on top of that, taking More Milk Plus and Goat’s Rue after seeing a lactation consultant, I barely produced any milk.  I never actually got engorged (I am sure all those mothers who chose not to breastfeed wish they had it that lucky) and after 4 months of driving myself crazy over it and crying and the depression that followed I finally called it quits.  Of course I have to note the fact that I have a mild case of PCOS, thyroid problems are rampant in my family, among other imbalances, whether they be mental or physical.  To this day I feel like I somehow shorted Z, and I really do not want to feel that way with this baby.

2. I feel like I am bringing this poor innocent into one hell of a mess (the world that is), I really wish that these were better times.  Mind you I am aware of the fact that things could be far worse, but I really am not looking forward to what the next four years may hold.

Being overworked I think comes from wanting to clean everything constantly and trying to give Z as much quality time while preparing for baby.  At the same time I feel extremely lazy as I have been bad and have not gone to yoga class lately.  I have been doing poses at home, but I missed out on the last two Practice Teaching sessions.  Although I had sufficient reasons for missing both of them, I am one of those people who no matter how solid the facts are I feel like I somehow let someone down (usually myself because I have an innate tendency to be a workaholic).

I am currently trying to come up with a topic of the next article I will write, as I really enjoyed writing my rant on high-fructose corn syrup.  I know one of my husband’s coworkers wants to know more about brown rice syrup, but I am looking at the possibility of rehashing some stuff I have written on genetically modified organisms.  Any suggests are welcomed.

Finally, this whole election has got me feeling sick, even more so than the economy.  I do not agree with the majority of people my age in this election it seems (note that most of my friends have a family to support), but I guess I see what is possibly at stake.  My grandparents were both immigrants to this country, and technically since my mom is not a U.S. born citizen (though they moved here when she was very young), I am first generation for my mom’s family.  My grandparents escaped Soviet rule, and my grandmother told my mother every now and then, “One day the people of this country will become fat and spoiled and will forget to appreciate what they.”  Well obesity is rampant so my grandmother hit the nail on the head for the first part that is for sure!  And since people in this country seem to feel that they are entitled to certain things that people in other countries would consider luxuries, the spoiled part is not that far off either.  Fortunately for my grandmother she now has Alzheimer’s, I say fortunately because it would break her heart to watch this election and what it could possibly bring about.  I hate sounding like some doomsday freak, but it’s true (well I guess it is someone going to be determined by the balance in Congress, but I do not have much faith).  Alexander Tytler, a Scottish-born British lawyer and writer, wrote:

“A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship.”

And that is exactly what the populace seems to want according to the polls.  I actually told my mother the other day that it is ironic that it seems that my grandparents left Czechoslovakia (now Czech Republic and Slovakia) to avoid Soviet rule, and it now appears that the way for us to avoid living under something similar may be to go back to the Czech Republic.  An idea that I am thoroughly entertaining.  Of course, that requires a great deal of planning and me getting into Charles University for graduate work, but hey at least I would be taking my children to a country where the majority of the youth appreciate democracy and prefer it to what they had under the Soviet Union and their public education system is actually one of the top ten in the world (and somehow they don’t spend as much money as the U.S. does on education, go figure?!).  I would probably have some great writing material from it as well!

I almost feel like I shouldn’t bother publishing this post, I really don’t feel like having people flame me, I am a pregnant lady with bad hormones and I don’t need any more stress.  Then again I feel like until I press that publish button I won’t get the release I need.

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