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One month

December 4, 2008

One month has passed since I had Rose and all I could think at first was where did the month go?  My second thought came to the fact that now I am going to finally have to decide what path I want to take in my scholastic career now.  I have another year and a half or so before I need to either go into the work force or return to school, due to our finances.  I would much rather return to academia than enter the work force right now.  Although, my college essentials have changed since I last entered college in 2002, instead of the below, it is now what my family needs that is most important to me.
funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals

And despite the fact it may mean that I have no life for almost a decade I am seriously considering becoming a doctor, either that or getting my PhD in Nursing and becoming a midwife.  Go ahead crush my dreams, I dare anyone who reads this to try.  I really do not care that I did not get the best grades at the beginning of my college career, I had my priorities out of wack and was not exactly emotionally stable happy with where I had ended up at first.  But somehow miraculously during my last year, which I was pregnant for most of I ended up getting between 3.8 and 4.0 each quarter at some points taking over the maximum 21 credits that Cal Poly allows.

I know I am capable of so much, but I do not know what will make my family happy.  It is so tempting to drag them back to Prague where my husband and I met, but I know my motives are partially selfish.  I know I could get into school there to become an M.D., but at the same time I know that it will be a burden on my family to adjust to living in another country.  At the same time my inner monologue loves to argue that it would be character building for my children to spend some of their formative years in another country, including the fact they would be exposed to a different culture and way or thinking and end up being bilingual.  My selfish motives are I don’t want the connection between my family in the U.S. and the family I have back in Europe to die, which I am positive will happen if someone does not intervene before my grandfather passes away.

On the other hand I could go get my Ph.D. in Nursing and stay in the U.S. where my kids will get to be raised around U.S.ers and enjoy a “normal” childhood, whatever the hell that is.  We know what to expect, for the most part, by staying in the U.S. which is comforting.  I know my husband can find a job here in this country and the standards of the childcare facilities, as opposed to living in Prague where he may be able to find work and I do not know what to expect of their daycare.  And so while my heart is set on the first, I have to sit back and consider what is best for my family, not just me.  The minute I think I have made my decision my doubt gets the better of me.

As for being a new mommy the second time around, it continues to be hectic.  But I adore my kids, I look into Rose’s eyes and I cannot help but feel completely engulfed with happiness.  Z’s continued development is so much fun to watch, as she is now figuring out how to feed herself and is saying more words, including “hello” and “sister”.  I just hope that I do not let this next year slip by so fast while I try to figure out our future.  I guess I am just lucky that I have a husband who puts up with my indecisiveness and is willing to let me follow my wanton urges dreams.

One Comment leave one →
  1. December 5, 2008 10:31 am

    It sounds to me like you are stressing yourself out and trying to make decisions while still in the early post-partum stages. Slow down! Either choice you make, which as you said, won’t be for another year to year and a half, will be the right one. Make your choice and don’t look back!

    Go for it!

    I’m glad Rose is doing better.

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